Don’t worry, it’ll pass.
You look tired, you shouldn’t stay up so late.
Good grades, now next time you can get even higher marks.
Sound familiar? Yeah, me too. I’ll try to keep this as little detailed as possible while getting my point across. Thanks for listening.
My childhood was messy. From the outside, I was the little rich girl who got everything she asked for. The girl who was a beast on the soccer field. The girl who didn’t fail at anything. And things only escalated as I got older. With high expectations everywhere I turned, I couldn’t show weakness.
For one reason or another, I became afraid. I couldn’t breathe when I was at home, I didn’t know who I could tell or who couldn’t care less, I became a literal (figuratively, speaking) brick wall. A few weeks ago, someone close to me tried and nearly succeeded, to commit suicide on multiple accounts as a result of severe depression. After being in the hospital and a psychiatric center for less than a work-week, everyone was expected to go back to “normal”. We were the “irrational ones”. With all the oxygen sucked from my lungs, the only words I could breathe were “what the actual fuck”. Days without sleep, weeks without even so much as a tear, I lost “normal”. If I ever had it in the first place, that is.
Until this happened, I ignored everything that came at me. Disappointment. Rejection. Being used. I bounced it off with my strength and resilience. I’m passionate about what I’m studying, I’m going to have a Master’s degree one day. Nobody can take that from me.
Now, although my passion for helping people hasn’t subsided in the least, I’m different. I’ve been thinking about it all day if maybe I have depression and need meds. Today has been the first time in forever, where I literally didn’t want to move from bed and had a lump in my throat that would make me cry at any moment. How are you supposed to know when it’s you suffering from the disorders you’ve spent the last 3 years reading about? Someone, please remind me of the psychology term that basically says “I’m invincible. Nothing bad could ever happen to me”. That was me. For a long, long, time. And I didn’t see it until today. I know I suffer from anxiety, but I’ve found a love in relieving my stress through weight training, now that competitive soccer isn’t easy for me to access anymore. I don’t think I need a diagnosis, or meds, or a counselor. Why do I need to talk about my feelings to someone I barely know, when I could write them in here for everybody, in a journal just for myself, or even in the words I say to those I trust. I feel like, as long as I’m honest with myself, I’m going to be okay.
If anything good came out of today it’s that, after years of searching, I’m 99% on a tattoo choice. A simple wave over where my pulse beats. The ocean can represent so many different things: nature, the soul, subconsciousness. To me, the wave represents how quickly the ocean can turn from roaring waves to calm waters; but the water is always moving. So when I feel like I can’t breathe, the wave will remind me to take a breath, and remember that calmness is on its way.
Soon, I’ll be back at uni, back in my routine, and this time with the guy I love who will pick me up when I fall. I’ll be fine now that I know I’m not fine.